Archer Knows Least
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana is looking for some videos of Archer to show to AJ. The problem is that AJ may not be ready to see any of them until she's thirty.


** The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is on TV somewhere. Just more madness from my tiny little brain. **

**Archer Knows Least **

"What's going on?" Cyril asked as he walked into the bullpen. Krieger was at a laptop working on something. Lana was sitting next to him. Ray, Cheryl and Pam were watching with mild interest.

"I'm looking for some videos I can show AJ of her father," Lana said. "I don't want her to forget him."

"Krieger says that he's got a ton of videos from over the years with Archer in them," Pam explained.

"Mostly security camera footage," Krieger said. "But a few years ago, Woodhouse showed me his video library. Apparently, he made a film collection of Archer growing up to show Ms. Archer."

"Really?" Cyril asked. "What did Mallory think?"

"She never saw it," Krieger shrugged. "She always meant to but she was too busy. She wanted me to put together a shorter presentation."

"And you did that?" Cyril asked.

"Well I always meant to," Krieger said. "But I was rather busy."

"Yeah all those cyborgs and mutants won't make themselves," Pam quipped.

"Any-who," Krieger went on. "All the videos are downloaded into my files. It's just a matter of picking and editing."

"We're trying to find some clips of Archer that are G rated," Lana said.

"Try is the operative verb here," Ray quipped.

"What about this?" Krieger typed something up. "This is one of Archer's lacrosse games in high school."

A black and white movie of several young men playing lacrosse was shown. "Cool," Pam said. "Which one's Archer?"

_Just then an image of a familiar young teenage boy ran into the shot, whacking a player on the head with his stick and elbowing another in the face before he caught the ball._

"_WHOOO!" Teenage Archer whooped as he ran down the field and kicked another player in the leg. _

"Oh, **there** he is," Pam said.

_Teenage Archer made a goal by using the ball to knock out the goalie. "Eat a dick loser! HA!" Teenage Archer laughed as he squatted over the fallen goalie and made a fart sound._

"Noope!" Lana shook her head. "We're **not** showing AJ **this!** I want her to grow up and **not** play sports like a psychopath."

"I wouldn't call **that **psychotic," Pam defended. "Okay Archer's playing a little rough. But that's the game."

"Uh Pam…" Ray pointed to the screen.

_Teenage Archer was now beating the referee with his stick and kicking him with his cleats. "I'll show __**you**__ who's playing rough, asshole!" _

_CRACK!_

"OOHHH!" Everyone in the bullpen winced in pain. Except for Cheryl who just laughed.

"Okay…" Pam winced. "**That** was psychotic."

"Note to self," Ray winced. "Never ever play lacrosse with Archer."

"Or referee a game with Archer in it," Cyril winced.

"Another clip Krieger…" Lana groaned. "Please!"

"How about this one?" Krieger brought up another clip.

_On screen was an auditorium. There was a sign saying MODEL UN. Several boys wearing prep school uniforms were at desks with different colored flags on them. _

"I didn't know Archer was in a model United Nations in high school," Cyril remarked.

_A male student was at the podium with a flag of Finland. "Finland likes to address the flagrant abuse from the delegation from the United States." _

_Teenage Archer was at his desk with the American Flag draped over it. He was wearing sunglasses. "Finland can kiss my ass!" Teenage Archer scoffed. _

"_I must protest…" The Finland Representative began. _

"_I protest your country stinks of herring," Teenage Archer started throwing pencils and erasers at the Finland Representative. _

"_Finland will not put up with this bullying!" The Finland Representative shouted as he dodged pencils. An eraser hit him on the nose. "OW!"_

"_What are you gonna do?" Teenage Archer snickered. "Put a tax on herring? Oh yeah, that's what the world needs. Another reason to __**not**__ eat your fish!" _

"_Mr. Panglagetti!" The Finland Representative shouted. "Sterling Archer is being…OW!" An eraser hit him in the eye. "My eye!" _

"_USA! USA! USA!" Teenage Archer shoved the Finland Representative off the podium. "AMERICA RULES BITCHES! WHOOO!" _

"Not for very long," Krieger remarked.

"_I say the United States now goes to war with Ireland!" Teenage Archer shouted. "Because Ireland sucks!" _

"_YOU SUCK!" Someone shouted out._

"_Them's fighting words O'Douchebag!" Teenage Archer shouted as he jumped off the podium and tackled a boy with red hair sitting at a desk with the Irish flag on it. _

"Well we can't show AJ this one either," Lana sighed as she watched Teenage Archer beat up the poor student. And then was being dragged away by several male teachers.

Ray spoke up. "Although I suspect if we show Ms. Archer **this**, she'd be proud. The beating up of Ireland part anyway."

"How about this clip?" Krieger brought up another one.

"_WHOOOOOO!" Teenage Archer was skateboarding in the hallways of the school. _

"Who the hell was taping **this?**" Pam asked.

"_Did you get that Woodhouse?" Teenage Archer asked when he stopped. _

"_Yes sir," Woodhouse was heard off camera. _

"Wait, they let him bring **his valet** to _**school?**_" Lana did a double take. "That was **allowed?"**

"_This is what Mother is missing at Parent/Teacher Conference!" Teenage Archer laughed. _

"Oh, okay that makes sense," Krieger nodded.

"_STERLING ARCHER!" A teacher was heard bellowing. "STOP SKATEBOARDING IN THE HALLWAYS!" _

"_DANGER ZONE!" Teenage Archer whooped as he skated off. A male teacher was then filmed chasing after him. _

"Technically that was kind of G rated," Krieger pointed out.

"Keep going Krieger," Lana sighed.

"Kind of like looking at the Ghost of High School Future," Cheryl remarked. "If AJ is anything like her father."

"God, I hope not," Lana groaned.

"This one looks promising," Cyril pointed. "It looks like some kind of high school sports banquet."

_It was another black and white film of a banquet. There was a banner in the background saying ST. JOSHUA'S PREP SPORTS BANQUET. In the front there were several people at a long table and a podium where a stern looking reverend was speaking. _

_Then the camera turned to a younger looking Mallory Archer powdering her nose. "You look ravishing ma 'mm," Woodhouse was heard saying off camera. _

"_I know," Mallory sighed. "Can you believe that I'm the best-looking mother here? I mean, I know it's not __**that**__ hard to believe. I knew I __**would be**__. I just didn't know by how much. There's not even one woman here that isn't either fat, unattractive, looks like a horse or all of the above. I've had more competition from bitches at a kennel show." _

"_This is a very fine evening," Woodhouse was heard. "It's Master Archer's Player of the Year award. Which he's earned." _

"_Mostly because my bribes kept him in school," Mallory admitted. "I swear to God if Sterling breaks one more crybaby referee's arm…" _

"_It's still a very important evening," Woodhouse was heard again. "And Master Archer will be so pleased that you attended." _

"_He'd __**better **__be," Mallory grumbled. "I gave up a date at Club 21 for this! He'd better not screw this up like he does everything else!" _

_Mallory then looked at the food on her table. "God look at this food. I wouldn't serve this garbage to my dog! In fact, this steak tastes like it's actually made of dog. I've seen more fat on Twiggy. Who the hell is the caterer? The Politburo Standing Committee? You'd think with all the money these priests get they could spring for better food than sub-par takeout. Even McDonald's would be a step up from this." _

_Mallory went on. "And don't get me started on the drinks. If you can call them that. The Hoover Dam gives out less water." _

"_I believe Reverend Hartwell is about to introduce your son," Woodhouse spoke. _

_A stern looking reverend spoke at the podium. "It is now my honor to introduce our Player of the Year," Reverend Hartwell spoke. It looked like he had something distasteful in his mouth. "St. Joshua's prides itself in honor and integrity…and good sportsmanship from it's players." _

"_Then why is that hooligan Archer getting it?" Some woman was heard whispering off camera. "He nearly broke my son's leg last game!" _

"_Jealous bitch," Mallory snarled under her breath. _

_Reverend Hartwell kept going. "What is honor? What is integrity?" _

"_Ooohhhhhh!" A woman's voice was heard from under the table. _

"_What the devil is __**that**__?" A male teacher at the table in front asked. _

"_Where's Sterling…?" Mallory realized something. "Woodhouse?" _

"_Uh…" Woodhouse stuttered. "He should be at his table." _

"_Oooh!" A woman's purr was heard. _

"_OH YEAH!" Teenage Archer was heard. "OH YEAH!"_

"Oh no…" Lana groaned. "No…"

"Oh yes," Krieger smirked.

"More like **under the table**," Pam snickered.

"_What the…?" Reverend Hartwell did a double take. "What's going on…?" _

_Someone lifted up the tablecloth and revealed that Teenage Archer was on top of a nearly_ _naked older woman._ _"MRS. MURPHERD!" Someone gasped in shock. _

"_OH MY GOD!" A shocked man shouted. _

"_MANDY?" A fat man shot up out of his seat. "WHAT THE HELL?" _

"_Sterling Mallory Archer…" Mallory was heard growling. "WHAT THE HELL?" _

"_Dude…" A teenage boy was heard saying off camera. "Archer just totally nailed the coach's wife!" _

"So much for honor, integrity and sportsmanship," Cyril quipped.

"_I knew he'd screw this up," Mallory groaned. "I didn't think he'd do it __**literally!**__" _

"Oh, dear sweet Jesus," Ray winced.

"_STERLING ARCHER!" Reverend Hartwell gasped._

"_Oh, is it time for my award?" Teenage Archer asked innocently. _

_Mrs. Murpherd gasped and grabbed the tablecloth to cover herself, knocking over several glasses and dishes. The crowd hooted and cheered as she comically tried to run away discreetly, but having no success. "YOU GOD DAMN WHORE!" Coach Murpherd screamed._

"_Coach! Language!" A male teacher gasped. _

"_My wife was just discovered to be screwing one of my own players in front of half the God damned school!" Coach Murpherd shouted. "What am I __**supposed **__to say? Goody-goody?" _

"_I'm going to have to pay another damn bribe, aren't I?" Mallory groaned off camera as Teenage Archer went to the podium. _

_Teenage Archer tried to pull up his pants over his heart shaped underwear. Then decided to screw it and left his pants on the floor. "Archer what is the meaning of this?" Reverend Hartwell shouted. _

"_I totally nailed the coach's wife!" Teenage Archer cheered at the podium. "Twice!" He pumped up his fists in triumph. The students and some male teachers cheered. _

"_YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" Coach Murpherd screamed and lunged towards Teenage Archer. He was held back by several people._

"_Hey! She came on to __**me!"**__ Teenage Archer snapped. "It's not my fault that she doesn't find you attractive anymore! Maybe if __**you**__ actually did some of those laps that you're always making us do…?" _

"_I'LL KILL YOU!" Coach Murpherd screamed as he broke away and started chasing Teenage Archer around. "I'LL KILL YOU!" _

"_Way to go Archer!" A teenage boy whooped. _

"_You're the man!" Another one shouted._

"_HE'S A DEAD MAN!" Coach Murpherd chased Teenage Archer off camera. Several faculty members chased the coach. _

"_Coach! Remember your blood pressure!" One of them called out. _

"_ARCHER! ARCHER! ARCHER!" Several members of the audience (and yes, some male teachers) cheered. _

"_That is __**enough!**__" Reverend Hartwell admonished the group. "This is __**not **__something to be proud of! I will have order! I will have __**order**__! You will conduct yourselves like gentlemen!" _

"_AAAHHHH!" Teenage Archer ran by wearing his boxer shorts being chased by Coach Murpherd, who was by now brandishing an axe. _

"_DIE YOU LITTLE PUNK!" Coach Murpherd screamed as he swung his axe. "DIE!" _

"So much for order," Pam snickered.

"And that is definitely **not** gentlemanly behavior," Cyril added.

"Starting to see why Ms. Archer didn't go to too many of Archer's functions when he was at school," Ray remarked as Teenage Archer ran around.

"_AAAAHHH!" Coach Murpherd swung down the axe and it split into a table. Then he was tackled by several men. _

"_HA! HA! Kiss my ass Coach Cuckold!" Teenage Archer laughed as he stood on a table. "Wait I had something better for this…" _

"_This banquet is over!" Reverend Hartwell shouted. "This banquet is __**over!**__ Sterling Archer your trophy is __**rescinded!"**_

"_What the hell does __**that mean**__?" Teenage Archer asked. _

"_Good to see your vocabulary lessons are paying off!" Mallory stood up and shouted. "It means you're not going to get the trophy you ass!" _

"_Mother?" Teenage Archer looked at her. "You came! Aww…Guess what? So, did I! Phrasing boom!" _

"_Sterling Archer you are a __**disgrace **__to St. Joshua's!" Reverend Hartwell shouted. "And as God is my witness…I will make it my mission to expel you from…" _

_SPLAT! _

_Teenage Archer laughed as the pie he threw at Reverend Hartwell hit his face. "HA!" _

"_I'll __**kill**__ you!" Reverend Hartwell screamed as he started to chase after Teenage Archer. "I'LL KILL YOU!" _

"_Uh oh…" Teenage Archer began to jump from table to table. _

_Reverend Hartwell climbed up and did the same. "You have made my job a living hell since the very first day you arrived at this school! I am going to wring your scrawny little blasphemous neck you…" _

_Reverend Hartwell miscalculated a jump and slipped off the table, taking with him the tablecloth and several dishes. _

_CRASH! SMASH! CRASH! _

"_He's bleeding! Somebody get a doctor!" Someone cried out in horror. _

"_WE'RE GONNA NEED A MORTICIAN!" Coach Murpherd screamed as he ran out again. He had not only escaped but had gotten the axe back. _

"_AAAAHHH!" Teenage Archer ran for his life again._

_Soon people were chasing both the coach and Teenage Archer. Someone tackled the coach and a fight broke out. Someone grabbed Teenage Archer and he punched him out. Soon there was a huge brawl in the middle of the banquet. _

"_I gave up a night at the club for __**this**__?" Mallory groaned as she looked into the camera. _

"NO!" Lana shouted. "Definitely **not** _that one!"_

"Man, I wish my school was this much fun," Cheryl remarked.

"I've got another clip," Krieger said. "Oh, this one is Archer's high school graduation!"

"Okay Archer's high school graduation," Lana sighed. "How bad could this be?"

"You know when you say things like that," Pam looked at her. "The universe accepts that as a challenge?"

"How did Archer manage to **graduate **from St. Joshua's?" Ray asked. "Shouldn't have he been expelled after that stunt?"

"I guess technically Archer wasn't responsible," Cyril admitted. "Legally the coach's wife committed statutory rape."

"Well **nowadays** that's what it's called," Pam shrugged.

"From the same woman who used to handle our sexual harassment cases," Ray rolled his eyes.

"But he was responsible for the riot that followed," Cheryl added. "And a few other fights we've seen."

"Mallory probably paid off the school," Lana admitted. Then she saw something. "Oh, dear God…"

_Archer was wearing only his heart boxers and a graduation hat. He waved a beer in one hand and a diploma in the other. "WHOOOO! SUCK IT EDUCATION! I'M FREE! FREE! FREEEEEEEE! KEG PARTY AT MY PLACE! WHOOOO!" _

"Told you," Ray looked at Lana.

"Something tells me we should skip the college years," Krieger remarked. "Although there's some very interesting film of a keg party in a library…"

"NO!" Lana snapped. "I'm trying to paint Archer in a **good light!" **

Cyril looked at her. "You couldn't paint Archer in a good light if you used Howard Bay and the Bat Signal."

"Let me explain what I am looking for," Lana said. "I'm looking for video that **doesn't **show Archer drunk, extremely violent, cursing a lot, getting into fights, or having sex with women."

"Well that lets out all the Christmas parties we've ever had," Ray quipped.

"And all the New Year parties we've had," Pam added. "Both regular and Chinese."

Krieger added. "Cinco de Mayo parties are Sink-o-de-Out-o."

"And forget Valentine's Day," Cheryl added. "Which I think I actually have…"

"Pretty much every birthday party we've had," Ray added. "And forget St. Patrick's Day. That one is **right out!"**

"That one would scar AJ for life," Lana groaned. "Which reminds me, no Halloween parties!"

"Ironically some of those **did** scar people for life," Ray added. "Literally."

"Can't do Bi-Earth Day," Pam added.

"Or the Hooray It's May Day Party," Cheryl added.

"Or the Kentucky Derby parties," Krieger added.

"Too much madness in March Madness parties," Ray added.

"The one time we celebrated Diwali," Cyril added. "Why did we do **that one**? Nobody in our office was Indian at the time."

"That was when Archer was trying to nail Agent Twofeather," Lana explained. "He was confused **exactly** what kind of Indian she was."

"The Easter parties were a huge bust too," Ray added.

"So were the Oscar parties," Pam added.

"Superbowl parties," Krieger added.

Cyril added. "The Fourth of Ju-Luau."

"Okay! We **get it**!" Lana interrupted. "Pretty much **every party** we've ever had we can't show AJ!"

"Until she becomes legal," Cheryl spoke up. "Or at least can pretend to be legal."

"So what **can** we show AJ?" Lana asked.

"There are some training videos Archer is a part of," Krieger said.

"Like the one where he was supposed to demonstrate gun safety?" Cyril asked. "And he not only showed up drunk but shot Brett?"

"Yes, but he did a few others," Krieger brought up a clip. "Like this one."

_There was a black and white image of the former ISIS logo with Krieger announcing the caption._ "_The International Secret_ _Intelligence Service Training Video Series. Number 5. How To Dress Like A Spy. Male Version."_

_There was a shot of Archer at a desk drinking some scotch. "Hello. This is Sterling Archer. Master Spy extraordinaire. So basically, I'm the one who was selected to show you douchebags how to dress properly in a spy agency." _

"_Since this video is for the dudes and not the chicks, I can call you that. Don't bother running to Pam in HR. Spoiler alert: She's not going to do much anyway." _

"_Okay so basic work attire is a suit, obviously," Archer said. "Duh. Get one of those bespoke suits. Don't cheap out and go to a regular store. Get one custom made from your local tailor. Let's be honest those guys need the work. And technically you're supporting a small business. So, it's worth five or six grand at least." _

"_Shoes should be Italian leather. But I will accept some of the newer high-end American ones. Again jobs. Ties of course should not be __**clip on**__! I mean it! If I see one clip on in this office, I will shove it down your damn throat!" _

"_Your valet or whatever servant you have should be perfectly capable of tying a tie. If not what the hell is the point of having one?"_

"_Also, I have to say this," Archer sighed. "Don't wear __**sweater vests**__! Please! Just __**don't!**__ We already have a sweater vest guy. I mean it's fine for Cyril because he's a dork but…Just don't. Don't. DON'T!" _

"_Now obviously when you're out in the field sometimes you can't wear a suit. It's just not practical. So, I'm going to demonstrate some of the outfits you will be expected to wear in the field. Okay Krieger this is where you cut away to the outfits I'm wearing." _

_The scene then changed to Archer in black underwear. He took out a gun from his underwear. "Underwear guns! Very important for spy work. Trust me, these babies are loaded in more ways than one. Phrasing!" _

_Then it showed Archer in a tuxedo. "This is your standard tuxedo. Duh. Having a good tuxedo is very important for spy work. Again, don't skimp on this. You can use the tuxedo for parties, the opera, high society functions, sneaking into weddings and seducing bridesmaids. And sometimes the bride. But you got to be really careful about that." _

"_Again, this is where the underwear gun comes in really handy. Especially if the groom is packing heat." _

"_The tuxedo is very versatile," Archer took out a fake mustache and put it on. "Voila! Now you are a matre'd, or a butler, or a concierge, or one of those other guys that's basically the head servant. And it's good for fooling idiots into giving you tips." _

"_I'm serious. Once while on a mission I was in the men's room at this fancy restaurant and I got like fifty bucks for just pointing to some guy where the towels are. It's great." _

_Then Archer was shown in a black turtleneck and pants. "This is the standard black turtleneck. Or the tactile-neck. Which I invented! I don't care what those lawyers from Ian Fleming said! This is very important. It helps blend you into the background for breaking in. Or sneaking around. With someone else's wife or girlfriend." _

Cyril looked at Lana. "Remind me again exactly **why **you chose Archer to be the father of your child and **not me**?"

Lana glared at him. "Because Archer has good genes! AKA no stupid ones!"

"You do realize that alcoholism is **genetic** right?" Cyril asked.

_Archer was then shown wearing a certain Chinchilla outfit. "I have no idea why we have __**this one**__," He admitted. _

"So much for the no stupid gene theory," Ray quipped.

"Lana you just picked Archer for his looks!" Cyril snapped. "That's it! Admit it!"

"You might as well," Cheryl said. "We all know it."

_Archer was in some pink and white short shorts, a tied off-white T-shirt saying GOT DICK? and roller skates with pink pom poms on them. "Okay this has to do with Honeypot missions," Archer sighed. "You're not going to like this outfit. Unless you're Gillette." _

"So **that's** what happened to my roller skates!" Ray snapped. "Son of a bitch!"

"**Brilliant choice** of a father, Lana," Cyril said sarcastically. "_Great job!"_

"Shut up Cyril!" Lana groaned.

"I hate to say it," Ray pointed to the screen. "But Cyril kind of has a point."

_Next was Archer in a Mexican mariachi band costume. "The Mariachi Band!" Archer shook some maracas. "This is great for seducing drunk chicks. As well as Spanish or Mexican ones. Portuguese, not so much." _

"Yeah Cyril definitely has a point," Pam said as Krieger paused the tape.

"Archer may be better looking than Cyril…" Cheryl added. "But if you factor in the alcoholism, the narcissism, the strong possibility Archer is autistic, Archer's history with cancer, the unknown genetic background of his father…"

"Which let's be honest," Krieger spoke up. "Sounds like a minefield right there."

"They're tied!" Cheryl realized.

"There is **no way** that Archer is tied with Cyril in **any way,"** Lana snapped. "With the exception of the Disappointing Boyfriend category."

"**Again **Lana," Ray looked at her. "The alcoholism, the narcissism, the autism, the cancer, and the unknown background of Archer's father! **All that** compared with _Cyril?_ They're **tied!" **

"Yeah!" Cyril snapped.

"Narcissism is **not **genetic!" Lana barked.

"Have you **met** Ms. Archer?" Ray snapped.

"Good point," Pam nodded. "Now that I think about it, if you add Ms. Archer, Cyril pulls out ahead."

"That's right!" Cyril nodded. "And I know it was a turn on for you that my mother died in a fire!"

"It wasn't a turn on!" Lana snapped. "It was a plus!"

"AH HA!" Cyril pointed.

"You're right Pam," Ray said. "If you add Ms. Archer to the list, Cyril **is** ahead."

"**Thank you!"** Cyril said.

"You're saying," Lana looked at Cyril. "All of Archer's flaws rolled up and put together…Make him equal to **you?"**

"Was that so hard to admit?" Cyril snapped.

"I don't want to see anymore of this particular clip," Lana sighed. "I don't think AJ can watch it anyway."

"Yeah, you are probably right," Krieger nodded. "After the Mariachi Band one this clip starts to get a little weird."

"I don't know," Pam said. "I think AJ would get a kick out of the Chinchilla one."

"I'll put that on the maybe pile," Krieger nodded.

"You said there were a few of these Archer did," Lana said to Krieger. "Any others?"

"Oh yeah I have a few more," Krieger nodded as he began to pull another one up. "Like this one."

"Not the one where he reviews every James Bond movie he ever saw," Lana added. "That's not exactly age appropriate for AJ."

"I have another one," Krieger remarked as he went to work.

_There was Archer in a smoking jacket and sitting in an evening chair. "Good evening," Archer posed with a pipe. "I'm Sterling Archer, world's greatest secret agent. Superspy extraordinaire. And I want to be the next Bachelor." _

"Oh, dear God…" Ray snickered. "This is gonna be good."

_Archer was in the chair. "Why would you have the world's greatest secret agent as the Bachelor? Why the hell not? I mean think about it, a lot of sexy ladies hooking up with this guy. But let's dump the whole proposal and marriage thing. I have a better twist in mind." _

"Oh, I have a twist in mind as well," Lana growled. "It involves Archer's genitals and a lug wrench."

"_Here's the thing," Archer said. "Instead of the usual proposal of marriage thing which let's be totally honest here Chris, has been beaten to death. And almost never works out. Shocker. But instead of that…How about the winner…or winners? See what I did there? Become hot kick ass spies? Huh? Huh? It's a win/win! Especially for me." _

"_Seriously I could use some new female cohorts. I'm kind of seeing this one woman, Lana Kane. And sleeping with this secretary…I think her name is Carol. Whatever. But let's be honest that's not going to last. I'm already bored with the secretary. I'm just keeping her around for something to do. And Lana well…She's great but baby crazy." _

"You asshole…" Lana hissed.

"_Look Lana's great," Archer said. "Really great but…She's going on about marriage and kids and I am so not into that. Seriously the last thing I want are kids. I'm secretly worried that one morning I'm going to wake up and find Lana pumping my dick and spilling my seed into a turkey baster. You know? So she can impregnate herself against my wishes?" _

"Boy did he call it," Cyril remarked.

"He really did," Krieger nodded.

"_To be honest I think I should find a way to get rid of the secretary too," Archer added. "She's great in the sack but I'm starting to think she's a little nuts. Yeah she needs to go too."_

"Tell me more about this lug wrench thing, Lana," Cheryl growled.

"_And if you need any more reasons why I should be the bachelor…" Archer stood up and removed his robe, revealing his black underwear. "Need I say more?" _

"I think he's said enough," Cyril snickered.

"_Okay so," Archer said. "Sterling Archer, next Bachelor. You can even film it at our secret headquarters. It's over a laundromat in New York. I wrote the coordinates down in the letter. Okay. So we're good. Krieger, don't forget to send this tape!" _

"I never did," Krieger shrugged. "And not because I forgot."

"Smart," Cyril said. "For so many reasons."

"It's also smart **not **to show AJ this," Lana groaned. "For so many reasons."

"I've seen condom commercials more appropriate to show children than **this,**" Ray groaned.

"I think the James Bond movie review would have been more appropriate than this," Pam remarked.

"I can't show AJ any of **these!**" Lana balked. "Even after she turns thirty!"

"Maybe it's better of AJ **does **forget Archer?" Cyril asked.

Lana groaned. "I'm starting to wish **I** forgot about Archer."


End file.
